I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Everyone says I win the strip club
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
