Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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