just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
