a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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