just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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