Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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