Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Less talking, more tequila
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
