What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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