New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
