My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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