It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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