Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
