We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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