grandma shit on top of the toilet
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
