This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
