Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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