I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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