I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
