i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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