I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
