My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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