Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
