So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
