Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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