her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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