She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
