After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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