Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
