worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize