if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize