Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
love makes seman taste better
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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