im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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