Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
