Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Randomize
