You were right. It hurts to walk today.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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