I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Still dying that you shit outside
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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