Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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