dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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