New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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