if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
