Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
