Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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