listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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