Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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