I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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