Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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