the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
they're like a gay fantastic four
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
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