NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize