matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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