i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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