My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
