Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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