My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
