I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
