I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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