i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
