My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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