so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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