two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
When did angry sex become our thing?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
