If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize