Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
well you can't waste a boner
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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