Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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