I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
