if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
