He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
