I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
