oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
