Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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