You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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